Why You Want to Vet Your Guests
People are what give life to a party. Of course, you are the one creating the party by setting the stage and providing the space and opportunity, but a multi-person party isn’t a party without the participants. You can have a party with nothing but some food and a place to congregate, but you can’t have even the most elaborately planned themed party without any guests. In this light, you could see choosing your party guests as the most important element. For that reason, it’s crucial to understand how the caliber of your guests impacts how you all experience your party.
Parties are for celebrating! So it’s important to only invite other people who are receptive to celebrating. No downers. A party is meant to uplift those who want to be uplifted, not to provide a venue for bored people who want to just complain or get drunk. This isn’t about drama; it’s about fun. Here we will first rule out who to not invite and then we will specify who to invite, based on several noteworthy criteria. Once you know who to invite, you want to make sure that at least the minimum number of prospective invitees are available and willing to attend your party. After you’ve established that, you’re all set to party plan your heart out!
Selecting Who to Invite to Your Party
1. Who to Not Invite: Emotionally Unstable or Toxic People
This is a party, not a charitable service or therapy session. When you go through the efforts to throw a party, you invest your valuable time, effort and at least some amount of money. The last thing you want is someone to come and ruin the party with a dramatic display or negative attitude. The point of a party is to celebrate together, have fun together, and enjoy life together. The only people who should be allowed at your party are those who first and foremost likewise want to celebrate, have fun and enjoy life together. This means that it is a cooperative effort where everyone respects the host and other guests and nobody intentionally gets sloppy drunk and destroys half your decorations or passes out into the food platter. Think about it.
This doesn’t mean you don’t invite anyone who struggles with any sort of mental health issue (that would eliminate the majority of us)! Rather, it’s about differentiating between people who know how to handle their life in a way that renders them socially functional and appropriate, and those who do not.
1) Don’t invite anyone who may cause danger or physical or emotional abuse
This should be an obvious boundary that you already heed in your own life in general. None of us deserve to have any contact with anyone who causes actual harm or any sort of physical or psychological abuse. So this crucial boundary of course applies to choosing your party guests – not just for your own sake, but for the sake of your other guests. Never put yourself or anyone else at risk by allowing an untrustworthy person into your home or space.
2) Don’t invite emotional vampires or anyone who is mentally unstable
Avoid inviting emotionally messy drama queens who make a scene, needy people who demand others’ attention and validation, and people whose intense negativity drains others’ energy and kills a good mood. If you think this sounds harsh, know there are other appropriate settings for helping others. A party is not one of them. It is not selfish to vet your guest list for the sake of yourself and other guests. You are the curator of your environment. Only you are responsible for your own mental wellbeing and for the atmosphere you create. You need to protect your own space and personal energy, and the potential for your guests’ enjoyment. This doesn’t mean you’re responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your guests. It simply means you’re responsible for consciously protecting the space you invite them into from anyone who could be an obvious downer or negative scene-maker.
The Barnacle
A barnacle is that one person in your life you can never get rid of and no one else really likes. They elicit sympathy by attaching themselves to you, making you believe that if it weren’t for you, they would have nobody. NOT TRUE. Invite them when it will be just the two of you, or to one of your much bigger blowouts where they will get lost in the crowd. For every barnacle, there is a shipwreck they can attach themselves to – at least for the length of the party. It is not wise to invite them to a dinner for six or less. People might lose their trust in you because you felt obligated to invite a barnacle, and that puts your party’s good reputation on the line. You should never invite a guest solely because you feel obligated; that’s no way to cast a party.
Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence
Only invite people who you actually enjoy being around, not who you feel ‘obligated’ to invite. Sure, this may hurt some people’s feelings. Hurting people’s feelings by setting healthy self-boundaries is a part of life that we all have to learn and accept. It’s 100% appropriate and okay to set boundaries that may hurt others’ feelings. Keep in mind that you aren’t actually harming them, and you are definitely not responsible for their feelings. If they disrespect your choice and your reason (should you choose to provide a reason), they aren’t worth your companionship. Learn to set boundaries. This applies to all areas of life and is crucial for dealing with difficult players. It certainly applies to setting up your party space and guest list.
3) Don’t invite attention hoarders who lack basic social/conversational skills
As children are socialized into adults, most of us learn to appropriately engage with others. This is fundamental for sharing this world with other humans. Not everyone grows up with these basic social skills, however. When in a social setting, the mature and appropriate way to behave is to allow everyone an equal opportunity to converse and share. Some people, though often oblivious and well-meaning, are either unaware of social cues or choose to ignore them and dominate every social gathering with their nonstop monologue. Others eventually try to interject or steer the conversation elsewhere, but the attention hoarder will quickly steer back in to regain their conversational dominance and draw attention to their selves.
This is mentally exhausting and not at all fun for most people. Not everyone exercises the necessary level of honestly and bluntness to ignore or walk away from these individuals, so they often politely but reluctantly remain subject to a person they’d rather escape. That is not the kind of party experience you want for your guests!
Avoid these awkward and annoying situations by not inviting attention hoarders when choosing your party guests. Should one hear of your party and feel hurt at being excluded, the most loving response is to explain why. Should they fuss or protest, that’s on them. It isn’t your responsibility to babysit their feelings; it’s your responsibility to clearly communicate and uphold boundaries. Life is about learning how to effectively deal with difficult people by both protecting your own sanity (by establishing, communicating and upholding firm boundaries) and by honoring and helping them in an appropriate way.
The moment someone says, “Hey, everyone, listen to the words in this song,” your party is over. This is why the guest list is the most important aspect to a successful party. It’s the people that you specially handpick that make the good times roll.
Amy Sedaris
2. Who to Invite When Choosing Your Party Guests
Once you’ve ruled out who to not invite, focus on who you like to be around. This doesn’t necessarily mean people with whom you share everything in common, or social butterflies. It simply means people whose presence you enjoy because they are a good person and you share a healthy friendship/acquaintanceship.
1) Every person you invite should be someone who would genuinely enjoy the party
Whom you invite tells you whom not to invite. … If you are having a party for a writer, you might not want to invite only other writers. Writers enjoy talking to all sorts of people who intrigue them, like a doorman, a detective, or an emergency room nurse. If all the guests have the same kind of job, the result can be geeky shoptalk, and that’s not a party – that’s called a convention. Make sure your guest list isn’t always the same – that’s a club.
Amy Sedaris
Most people enjoy a variety of parties, but not every party is everyone’s cuppa. Some people may prefer smaller, more intimate gatherings but don’t like to be among large crowds. You’re welcome to invite whoever you like and can always check with someone first to see whether any given sort of party would be something they may enjoy, but if you know for an absolute fact that Pedro isn’t going to want to attend your 30-guest dance party, then don’t worry about inviting him. If you worry he’ll feel hurt if he learns of the party without having been invited, just ask him. If you know each other well enough and he knows you know he doesn’t like big parties, he probably won’t think twice to learn that he wasn’t invited to one.
So long as you know someone doesn’t have any religious obligations against attending any sort of party, or any other reason that would make their attendance uncomfortable or miserable, feel free to invite them! If in doubt, just ask them before you finalize your guest list and invites.
2) Invite people who you believe would especially enjoy the theme
Focus on inviting people who you think would truly enjoy or appreciate the theme. They will surely love celebrating it at your party! On the other hand, if you know someone who absolutely cannot stand whatever specific theme you’re using, they may not be interested in an invite. Depending on how close you are, you may want to tell them that you’re having this party and they’re welcome to come but you know how they feel about the theme so you’ll only send them the details if they do express an interest regardless.
Some friends may be more open to a theme they don’t otherwise enjoy if they are interested in simply enjoying a fun social event (so long as they aren’t a theme-party pooper!). Every guest doesn’t have to love the theme – or even understand it, for that matter. So long as they are open-minded and actually interested in coming, they can still enjoy the themed party. Just remember, those most likely to have a great time are those who already love the theme. Definitely prioritize inviting them.
In addition, if you know someone whose skill/hobby complements your theme and who may enjoy sharing that, ask them! A friend who plays the oud may enjoy performing at a Middle Eastern themed party. Someone you know who can juggle may be up for juggling at a circus themed or carnival party. Of course, they may decline performing but can still enjoy the party like everyone else.
3) Invite people who you like
To state the obvious, invite people you genuinely like to be around! It’s your party, after all. So long as there’s no reason any given person wouldn’t have a good time at your party, by all means invite them if they are someone you really like – regardless of whether they are even familiar with your party’s theme. Every life experience is a learning experience – and maybe a guest develops a new passion for your formerly unknown theme! Though those who already love the theme are an obvious choice, you need not limit your guests to only them. If you really like somebody, that is reason enough to invite them. Yes, the theme is the focus of the party. But the guests make the party. It isn’t a party at all without their energy, enjoyment and participation. Make it a good one with your favourite people.
3. Confirm Prospective Guests’ Availability
While choosing your party guests, consider any circumstances that may definitely prevent them from coming before you extend an invitation. If someone’s stuck in a hospital or bedridden at home for long-term recovery by your party date, don’t invite them. If someone is going to be traveling at the time of your party, don’t invite them. Keep in mind what’s going on in your friends’ lives when planning your party’s date and guest list.
1) Write a list of everyone you’d like to invite, with order of preference
Decide the maximum number of guests you can realistically host, and the minimum number to make it worth your effort. Write your prospective guest list in the order of those who you most want to attend. For example, your best friends and/or people who most love the theme may be at the top of the list. It’s fine if your list exceeds the maximum number of people you want to attend because not everyone’s always available.
2) Decide which guests to contact first to check their availability for preferred party date(s)
If your guest list exceeds the maximum amount of people you can host, don’t contact everyone on that list yet. Only reach out in advance to the amount of people you can host (starting at the top of your list). That way, if everybody you contact confirms their availability for your party on its given date, you won’t have over-invited. Should anyone confirm that they won’t be available, you can scratch their name off the list and then reach out to others listed further down the list to add up to that maximum quota, should you choose to do so. If there is no preferred order to your list and you’re equally happy to see any guest as much as another, then just make sure you only first reach out to the maximum amount of people you can accommodate.
3) Contact at least the minimum amount of prospective guests
To confirm availability, contact at least the minimum number of your prospective guests (whether in person, via phone call, text, email, or whatever message medium is most convenient and responsive) 6 weeks in advance, or no later than 4 weeks in advance, of your earliest prospective party date. Depending on you and your guests’ lifestyle and how busy everyone gets, you may even want to reach out earlier, but 6 weeks in advance is usually plenty of time. You’re reaching out to ask whether they are available on the chosen party date and whether they’d like to attend. Have a back-up date or two in mind so that, should the minimum number of people be unable to attend, you can ask whether another date works instead. Ask for their confirmation so you can lock in that date and request that they do the same.
With the minimum amount of guests confirmed, you can then ask other prospective guests if you haven’t already (just don’t exceed the maximum amount you can host). Tell each confirmed guest that you’ll send an invitation with further details in the next couple of weeks. All they need to know now is the party’s theme/purpose, its date, and the time of day it will occur. Assure them that you’ll provide them with all of the fun details soon. Of course, feel free to communicate as many details as you want to them in advance. But you should always still send out a formal invitation (whether as a physical invite or as a virtual invite sent electronically) no later than 3 weeks in advance so those details are organized in one place that is easy for a guest to access for information.
Overview of Choosing Your Party Guests
Here is a recap of criteria to consider when choosing your party guests:
- Don’t invite mentally/emotionally/socially unstable or toxic people: no narcissists, attention hoarders, or anyone too immature to engage in a respectful or appropriate manner
- Invite people who would enjoy the party: prioritize invitees whose company you love most, and those who especially dig the theme
- Confirm availability of minimum number of preferred guests, up to the maximum you can host: first invite those whose attendance you most desire and lock in confirmations to the chosen/alternative date; then follow suit with anyone else, and get ready to party plan!
While there is much to consider when choosing your party guests, be sure to follow these three main points. You may need to set boundaries with toxic people (again, an important practice in general, not just for parties). You are free to make the choices you want and to set the boundaries you need to ensure that you (and your guests) are happy, healthy and unencumbered by others’ problems. When others resist or disrespect your choices, that’s a red flag to examine that relationship and set appropriate boundaries or terminate it if necessary. Life is too short to let others dampen your celebration!
A party is for celebrating and for sharing an enjoyable and rewarding experience. You are benefiting your guests (and yourself!) by planning and hosting a good party and especially by making sure that those who attend only have good intentions and the ability to respectfully engage. Your guests may vary party-to-party, based on how many people you know and how many can attend any given day. Have fun and mix it up! So long as you consider these guidelines when choosing your party guests, everyone should have a great time.