How to Get Guests to Leave When You Want Them To

Every Fun Event Has to Eventually End

It’s easy to assume that all guests pick up on social cues and instinctively know the appropriate time to leave a party. There’s a meme about how Midwesterners cue when it’s time for company to leave: somebody slaps their knees and abruptly stands up from their seat while loudly exhaling ‘WHELP!’ and the other person immediately responds with ‘spose I should get going!’ This silly (yet absolutely accurate) cue is effective when people speak that body language, but not everybody does! If you let them, some people will linger at a party until you’re literally falling asleep while they’re talking. That’s why it’s important to clarify a party end-time up front with your guests. This does them a favor by eliminating guesswork, and it helps them honor your desires without you having to figure out how to awkwardly tell them to go home after your party’s long since died down.

Ways to Clearly and Politely Communicate Your Leave-Time Expectations

1. First, Understand Why It’s Important for Guests to Leave When You Want Them to

Before delving into ways to tactfully direct people to leave at an appropriate time, you need to be firmly convinced in that expectation. Don’t allow any wiggle room for negotiation or coercion. As I mention in most every Best Practices post, when you choose your guests appropriately, you’re unlikely to have guests at your party who are unresponsive or insensitive to your directives as host. However, you should always be prepared in case anybody is truly oblivious to basic guest etiquette, or if you incidentally have a guest who does not take your boundaries seriously. Most of the time, people aren’t trying to be rude – they simply made it to adulthood without adopting normal social cues. That is why, as host, you help everybody out (and primarily yourself) by clarifying these expectations up front.

1) Most of Us Have a Life Beyond the Party

How exciting would it be if a party never had to end! But we humans need sleep. Most of us need to work or at least tend to normal tasks the next day. Many of us need some time to wind down and relax after a fun social event. It is normal and appropriate for life to go on after a party, at a reasonable end-time. If you are someone who truly loves a never-ending party and you have no responsibilities the next day (as well as loads of energy), then you may not want to include an end-time. That sounds like fun! But for those of us who do tire out eventually and/or need time to clean and get our home back to its homeostasis, we have to include a party end-time that allows us ample time to meet our own needs after the party.

2) A Party End-Time Guarantees a Break; Yet, You Can Also Choose to Extend It

Want to know a secret about end-times? They are as flexible as you want them to be. But you always need to start them off as firm expectations. It’s important for people to be prepared to leave by whatever time you set. Then, as the party goes on, if you find yourself energized and not wanting it to end (assuming you have no pressing reason it needs to end by your chosen end-time), then you as host can tell guests that they’re welcome to stay however much later you decide. That happens all the time and is a great example of using an end-time as a safeguard which may or may not turn out to be necessary.

2. Include a Party End-Time in the Invitation

Now, for what to actually do to set this important boundary! It is actually very easy and takes no real time on your part: include the party begin time and end-time in the invitations you send to guests.

1) Choose an end-time that is earlier than you actually want

When the time for farewells comes, don’t say your goodbyes in the hallway or on the street, the neighbors might be sleeping. Say them once and make them quick. You don’t want to encourage lingerers, stragglers, or carnies. 

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Many people do not know the meaning of haste when it comes to transitions. And so goodbyes are long, drawn-out affairs that span 20-40 minutes instead of the 1-2 minutes they require. Personally, that’s always been a pet peeve of mine, but people mean no hindrance. It’s just how they are. So if you have no qualms about curtly ushering guests out of your house like unruly cattle, then this tip is less important. But if you get anxious and triggered when you feel like others aren’t taking you seriously by getting the hell out of your house when you want them to, then think ahead and set your end-time an hour before you actually want people gone. You will thank yourself later for pleasant and un-rushed goodbyes, full of genuine warmth!

If you plan to immediately start cleaning up after your party, an alternative to simply including an end-time on the invitation is to give guests the option to either leave by that time or to start helping with cleaning at that time. If taken the wrong way, this can sound a bit patronizing. But if you word it politely and light-heartedly, it can actually be a great option if you know you’ll welcome the help. High-energy guests who aren’t in a hurry to go anywhere after your party may love the opportunity to help clean up. Some people love to clean, and many generous people love to help.

2) Opt to cleverly segue the party end-time into clean-up time

Cleaning together after your party is a way to let others give back and also extend social time together. But you don’t want to guilt guests into staying to help clean, either. That’s why you’ll want to use this option with discretion, depending on your party and who you’re inviting. If you word it in such a way that ensures that you’re happy with whichever option guests choose and that they’re in no way obligated to help (but that if they want to stay later, cleaning is what’s on the agenda at that time), this could be a fun and clever alternative to simply setting an end-time. However, do include a cleaning end-time! While it seems obvious that a party’s over-over after clean-up, remember that what’s obvious to most isn’t obvious to all. Make sure your party-cleaning-time also has its own deadline to clarify when helpers should leave.

3. Remind Lingering Guests of Your Party’s End-Time

For guests who forgot that there was an end-time clarified on your party invitation, you’ll need to clearly and tactfully remind them if they linger too late. Of course, be considerate – they most likely lost track of time. That’s an easy thing to do when you’re having a good time!

1) Have a plan for how you will communicate your desire for someone to leave

It helps to already know what you will say to someone who stays beyond their welcome. Otherwise, you may find yourself fumbling for words and come across as non-committal. You don’t want it to be a suggestion. Nor do you want to sound like a militant bastard. But you do want to be firm and clear so there is no room for misinterpretation.

For instance, if you say something like, ‘well, I really need to wrap up and start cleaning now,’ somebody who doesn’t get the hint may reply, ‘oh I’ll help you!’ On one hand, that’s a generous offer and perhaps you really would invite their help. But if you simply used that phrase as a disguised sentence for ‘I need some alone time to clean up and relax,’ then you’ve now got to come up with something different to say. So it’s easier to know precisely what to say to indicate that you want people to leave, period. You don’t need to give anyone a reason unless you choose to. But unless someone was a bad guest, do be courteous in how you communicate this so that you don’t give the impression that you didn’t enjoy their presence during the party.

2) Speak with warmth and authority

Don’t try to sugarcoat your message with fake cheer. But show genuine warmth while speaking confidently and in your authority as host. Some examples of what to say to usher guests home include:

• ‘I’ve really enjoyed having you here! It’s been a great time and I loved catching up. It’s time I need my house back to myself now. I’ll get your jacket. Can I also grab you an extra cookie for the road?’
• ‘This has been a great time. I need to wrap up the party, though, so I’ll see you out once you’ve stopped by the restroom if you need to first. Let’s catch up again soon!’
• ‘It’s time to close out this party. We’ll have to do something like this again! Do you need directions to get home, or are you all set?’

These directives are all phrased in a polite and non-negotiable way. Feel free to customize as you’d like, but be genuine, straightforward, and prompt. Decent people appreciate sincerity and clarity.

Overview of How to Get Guests to Leave When You Want Them To

Here is a recap of how to clearly and politely communicate your leave-time expectations:

1. Understand why it’s important to you for guests to leave when you want them to.  You can’t effectively convince someone else if you haven’t internalized its importance for yourself. Most of us have a life beyond the party, and your life is important. A party end-time guarantees an end to your job as host, though you can always extend it if you want.
2. Include a party end-time in the invitation, and give yourself a buffer by choosing a time that’s earlier than you actually want. You could also give guests the option to segue the party into clean-up time.
3. Remind lingering guests of your party’s end-time. Have a plan for how you will specifically communicate your desire for them to leave. Use honest, straightforward language, and speak with warmth and authority.

Leaving a party at the expected time shows respect for the host. It shows respect for their time, which many of us are lacking. When your guests understand when you expect them to leave your party, they are able to respect your time by leaving promptly. Decent people want to honor a host’s expectations and you do them a favor by giving them the information they need to do so. Otherwise, they may linger longer than you desire because they may have different ideas as to when a party should end. For everybody’s sake, it helps to clarify that up front. You’ll be much happier to host another party!